Where Were My Parents?

Where Were My Parents?

dedicated to votaries

miserable, and suspicious

of the absurd, beautiful,

obscure history, superstition, and satire

Scope &

Horror

On Watching Headbangers Ball

as a Fifth Grader, and Other Topics

This list needs help. A lot of help.




This list. Christ, this list. It’s bad. It’s really, really bad. I mean, the eyeballs of my sixteen-year-old self would not be recoverable, they would have rolled back so hard. It’s not alllll bad but collectively, it sucks. It’s also really long, so I guess I am going to have to screenshot it. I am too lazy to type out all of these shitty songs and give them even that much more legitimacy. We can deal with them in chunks, shall we?

1. Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana (Nevermind, 1991, DCG Records)
Okay, so I know I am probably literally quoting Jack Black’s character from High Fidelity here (a character I very much identified with btw), but come on. It’s a little obvious no? It’s a good song sure, but there are better ones. I like Nirvana. I liked them then, and I still like them (not so much on Foo Fighters though, my apologies. Dave Grohl seems like a truly wonderful human). I bought Nevermind on cassette tape in the 7th grade sometime after this video came out. I watched Headbangers Ball, and I remember them being on it, and that Kurt Cobain wore a ballgown in a joke that seemed kind of lost on the host, and probably most of the at-home audience. That seemed as good a reason as any to spend what little money I had on their album. Music was the only thing I ever spent money on. I guess I used to babysit because I can’t think of any other way I had any at all. There is no way my parents would have given me money to buy records. I don’t know.

Anyway, I liked Nirvana, and for a couple of years, I loved them because the boy I loved from 8th grade, all of my high school years, and probably a few years after that even, loved them. Incidentally, one of the only letters I have ever received that would approximate a love letter even quotes a Nirvana song. I still have it. I was always writing him these long, intense letters asking why he would not give me the attention I so craved the answer, as painfully obvious then as it is now, was that I was fourth on a list of priorities that ranked as follows: drugs, skateboarding, other girls). When In Utero came out in 1993, I spent a lot of time listening to it on CD in his garage bedroom in Belgrade, Maine. Listening to this CD, smoking cigarettes, losing my virginity, and getting high. Oh, wasted youth. Anyway, in the letter he wrote out the lyrics Swap Meet, which after all is said and done, I still think was absolutely perfectly ninth grade, and rather sweet.


Final Verdict: Yes, good song but there are better, less played ones.

Better: You Know You’re Right*

*I know this is cheating a bit, but obviously it was recorded in the 1990s, 1994 specifically.

Spotify iTunes

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2. Loser – Beck (Mellow Gold, 1994, DCG Records)
Okay, also a good song. I always preferred the shit kickin’, speed takin’ Truck Drivin’ Neighbors Downstairs, and if I had complete power of this iTunes list, I would pick someone else all together. With this in mind:


Final Verdict: Pretty good song
Better: Daniel Johnston – Mind Contorted (Fun, 1994, Atlantic Records)
Spotify iTunes


3. Spiderwebs – No Doubt (Tragic Kingdom, 1995, Trauma Records and Interscope Records)
No.


Final Verdict: Absolutely not.
Replace with: Almost anything else. I didn’t care for the ska craze but try Blue Angel – Squirrel Nut Zippers (Hot, 1996, Mammoth)
Spotify iTunes


4. Creep – Radiohead (Pablo Honey, 1993, Capitol Records)
Ugh, I am already bored by this project. There are so, so, so many Radiohead albums and this song is okay, but there are better ones. To be fair, now that I am looking, most of them came out after 2000.


Final Verdict: Good song but there are so many better ones.
Better: Palace Brothers – You Will Miss Me When I Burn (Days in the Wake, 1994, Drag City)
Spotify iTunes


5. Say It Ain’t So – Weezer (Blue, 1994, DCG Records)
No.


Final Verdict: They just aren’t that good.
Replace: Guided by Voices – Drinker’s Peace (Same Place the Fly Got Smashed, 1990, Rocket #9)
Spotify iTunes

5 responses to “Where Were My Parents?”

  1. I think you are forgetting about all your big bucks from working at McDonald’s, though, like an ineffective drug dealer, most of your profits went back into the product.

  2. I think you are forgetting that we didn’t start working at beautiful KMD McDonalds until we were juniors, and then my big profits went to funding pointless drives and auto breakdowns with you in my nothing-works-1982-Honda-Accord-Hatchback. But I did babysit in Jr. High.

    • Looks like I just got LAWYERED! Junior year was seriously one of the best years of my life. The levels of fun and merriment were off the charts. And I can’t believe you would suggest that drives were pointless- are you forgetting the epic adventure to find Troll Valley in Farmington? Was that POINTLESS? Clearly not. Did it involve auto breakdowns? Why yes, yes of course. And it also involved getting towed while we lay down in the back of your care laughing and looking up at the stars.

      • Ha, and Andrew had to ride with the scary tow truck guy. I forgot about that! That probably wouldn’t fly nowadays, but Central Maine might be still kind of lawless.

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