Category: Phrase & Fables
Dear Bitcoin BMI,
I like your idea of working out in my garage. Can I listen to Journey while I work out though? I don’t like Nazareth. What about any of Steve Perry’s later canon? Thanks,
Dear Peter H, Can you listen to Journey? Sighs. I don’t know man. But the question really should you? There are few things I loathe more than Steve Perry - in fact, the only other person who comes to mind with such a nauseating visceral lurch is Matthew McConaughey.I suspect you know this already Peter, which is why you are asking. But I will take the bait. No. No. You are not allowed to listen to any Steve Perry. Those aren’t the people we are all trying so hard to be. It’s never too late for now, Bitcoin Bot
P.S. while I was searching for exercise stills from the 80s to potentially use here I read an article of celebrity aerobic videos from the 80s and 90s. Did you know that both Angela Lansbury AND Estelle Getty each made a VHS feature? You should see if you can find one of those. That will solve all your troubles. P.S.S. And no Rush either. P.S.S.S.
Slimming Hydration Recipe Prep time: minimal, though it will need a few days to steep so plan accordingly Cost: $$ key components can already be found in your bathroom cabinet, but pick up some Grade A dark maple syrup and a bag of organic lemons the next time you are at the store. Results? oh, yes! Fill a tall glass full of sparkling, refreshing water and dip your toothbrush in it. Place it on your nightstand and let sit for 2-3 days. After a few days, add in 4 tablespoons of maple syrup. If there's one thing I've read about the ecosystem living inside you is that these mf'ers love sugar! By day five, your drink should be brimming with disgusting, healthy bacteria. Place in some freshly squeezed lemon juice. Gulp it down quickly to feed your little stomach monsters, those guys are hungry!
You’ll thank me later.
PS this is not real, do not actually try this okay?
I assume you have all been wisely hibernating these winter months away. Smart choice! So have I. Those extra pounds you put on from stuffing yourself full of Halloween candy served you well! But now it’s time to get back on track and start thinking about your beach body!
But wait! Before you dust off that old Nautilus in the garage and crank up the Nazareth, I want to make sure you know about you and your gut health!
If you even sort of pay attention to all those YouTube commercials, you know there are many, many experts out there on how you and your parasites may or may not be affecting your health. But allow me to throw my hat in the ring, yes?
Stay Tuned for tomorrow’s post:
Cooking and Caring for Your Parasites
Because science.-Bridgette, Instatritionist*
*Please note Bridgette holds no relevant authority or substantive scientific education beyond the publishing wisdom of Conde Naste, but damn, she looks hot holding a smoothie, right?? Please continue to send her your money.
Nicolas Copernicus was born on February 19, 1473. He wrote the book De revolutionibus orbium coelestium (On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres). You guys remember learning about heliocentrism, yes?
I have nothing more to say about this but sometimes, when I like to feel very small and infinitesimally insignificant, I watch this video called Powers of Ten. It was made by IBM and released in September 1977. Coincidentally, it was released the day before NASA launched the Voyager I space probe, set on a wild course to interstellar space to send back any data on what lies beyond our sun’s heliosphere. (I know I said the intent was to feel personally insignificant but incidentally I was also released to the wild within this same fortnight, at a hospital, in Kent County Michigan).
We have all three aged both well and terribly, The trusty Voyager did finally enter interstellar space in our 40th year, right around the same time as the solar eclipse. That was a strange summer. Did you ever hear the recordings of the sound it captured? If not you should look that up too. That metallic screech will haunt your dreams.
My posts have faded into the background over the last few months. I can only say that these have been some of the most difficult and painful of my entire life. Maybe sometime I will write about it, these heartbreaks and terrors of parenting children. For now, I guess it is something to have endured such a monumentally chaotic and terrifying time period that I did not bring upon myself. Progress? But I am exhausted, and feel like I have aged a decade in a single season Like the poor Voyager, who might have been cutting edge several seasons ago, but is now forced to use the same old, outdated operating system, forced to weather the unknown storms, stay in one piece, and somehow give back useful information. Also, the inside of my head sounds like interstellar space.
P.S. Yes the title is absolutely a King Missile reference
October 10 has a strange list of holidays including the following feast days of Catholic Saints, Arbor Day in Poland, World National Mental Health Day, and World Porridge Day. The Old Farmer’s Almanac says that today is a good day to go camping or straighten hair. Today’s moon is waxing crescent, and the sun and mercury are in Libra. Oh shit, mercury is retrograde and I completely forgot to warn you. Instead of being articulate and understood, you will spend eight more days like the curse of Cassandra, doomed to a world where though given divine foresight, she could not warn others of what she saw coming, as they could neither understand nor believe her. But if it helps, mercury retrograde is only an optical illusion, it doesn’t matter I promise.
Sorry I have disappeared for a while. I have two 10-year-olds who recently started fourth grade, so I have also started fourth grade by default. It is just as tedious as I remember, except now there is also a new form of math that I don’t understand. I will try to keep up. Know that if I miss a day or two, it’s not because I stopped caring about your day, it’s because I am relearning the names of clouds, or solving problems with decimal points.
For tonight: Bela Lugosi’s Dead