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Tag: day trading for dummies
Dear Bitcoin BMI,
I like your idea of working out in my garage. Can I listen to Journey while I work out though? I don’t like Nazareth. What about any of Steve Perry’s later canon? Thanks,
Dear Peter H, Can you listen to Journey? Sighs. I don’t know man. But the question really should you? There are few things I loathe more than Steve Perry - in fact, the only other person who comes to mind with such a nauseating visceral lurch is Matthew McConaughey.I suspect you know this already Peter, which is why you are asking. But I will take the bait. No. No. You are not allowed to listen to any Steve Perry. Those aren’t the people we are all trying so hard to be. It’s never too late for now, Bitcoin Bot
P.S. while I was searching for exercise stills from the 80s to potentially use here I read an article of celebrity aerobic videos from the 80s and 90s. Did you know that both Angela Lansbury AND Estelle Getty each made a VHS feature? You should see if you can find one of those. That will solve all your troubles. P.S.S. And no Rush either. P.S.S.S.
I assume you have all been wisely hibernating these winter months away. Smart choice! So have I. Those extra pounds you put on from stuffing yourself full of Halloween candy served you well! But now it’s time to get back on track and start thinking about your beach body!
But wait! Before you dust off that old Nautilus in the garage and crank up the Nazareth, I want to make sure you know about you and your gut health!
If you even sort of pay attention to all those YouTube commercials, you know there are many, many experts out there on how you and your parasites may or may not be affecting your health. But allow me to throw my hat in the ring, yes?
Stay Tuned for tomorrow’s post:
Cooking and Caring for Your Parasites
Because science.-Bridgette, Instatritionist*
*Please note Bridgette holds no relevant authority or substantive scientific education beyond the publishing wisdom of Conde Naste, but damn, she looks hot holding a smoothie, right?? Please continue to send her your money.
Over the next few weeks, we will cover “staging,” and your personal brand, as well as how to increase your social media presence, but for now, let’s open another bottle of wine and focus on the low hanging fruit.
Seriously, you are going to need to pretend to have interests. Dieting and watching The Real Housewives don’t count.
You could start with the usuals
#Learning the pros and cons of kitchen tiling (but more than just watching HGTV)
#Find and discuss your Myers Briggs personality type. People are very interested!
Or you could use this personal development time to dip your toes into the easy money income streams known as Multi-Level Marketing!
Seriously, people love hearing about your new side hustle, they love being invited to these sorts of events, and they love being recruited to get down in the sales trenches with you!
They love being tricked into going to sales pitches at your house when they think they are showing up for movie night, and they reallllllllly love meeting in conference rooms early Saturday mornings to support your new business venture at midrange hotels near the airport.
Also, as a guest at a Tupperware party in 2004, I nearly got the lights punched out of me. But that’s a story for another time. Let’s just say it’s not always as formulaic as those profit charts might have you think!
Just make sure you don’t squander this opportunity for finding a niche to give you some je nais se que! The sky is the limit! Learn how to carve soap, eat competitively, or file lawsuits recreationally.
I recommend starting some inspiration boards. I like Pinterest because it is an easy, fun way to keep track of your lies and meet new friends who share your feigned interests!
Wikihow, Youtube, amateur message board experts, and I will all be with you every step of the way! Seriously, we are rooting for you!
For Office Use Only:
Score __________ Overall 3 points Flawless 2 Points Minor scratches 1 Point Moderate chips, dents, or surface rust 0 Points Damaged, major dents, paint flaws, missing parts, or major rust Score __________ Medical 3 points Current, complete, appears much younger than stated age 2 Points Current, incomplete, appears consistent with stated age 1 Point Overdue, no records, unvaccinated, appears much older than stated age, or annual medical deductible not met 0 Points True mileage unknown or defective odometer Score __________ Interview and summary of personal/professional documents and titles 3 points Consistent, all or mostly truthful 2 Points Somewhat truthful, vague or evasive when pressed for details 1 Point Clearly lying and/or inebriated 0 Points Uncooperative, incoherent, or comatose Score __________ Body Work 3 points None 2 Points Minor cosmetic paint 1 Point Some dent removal or touch ups 0 Points Significant amount of paint and/or body work Score __________ Integumentary 3 points Clean/like new 2 Points Minimal wear 1 Point Stained/faded/worn 0 Points Torn/burned/cracked/missing Score __________ Odor 3 points None 2 Points Faint 1 Point Obvious 0 Points Suspect decomposition present Score __________ Interior 3 points Fully functional 2 Points Functional with minor fault(s) 1 Point Repairs needed 0 Points Salvage/parts only Subtotal __________ ________ Subtotal from Section 1 _______ Marital Status (2 Clean title, 1 Rental, commercial, 0 Salvage, rebuilt
salvage, flood, etc.)
_______ +1 Rechargeable batteries _______ +1 Toilet trained ________ Credit Score _________ Checking account balance _______ -1 Dietary restrictions _______ Subtract number of ICD 10 diagnosis codes _______________ TOTAL * 1 US dollar Subtotal 2 ______________ Subtotal 2 * US Dollar Index _______________ cryptocurrency exchange = BITCOIN BMI
Incomplete/More information Required:
Shape Your Body like it is 1992 and Radu is your personal trainer. You are wearing jean shorts. He is wearing wind pants. No tradesies.
No excuses. Everyone has ten minutes.
Scope & Horror
dedicated to votaries of the absurd, beautiful, miserable, and suspicious
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