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Scope & Horror and Your Bitcoin BMI merging
Hello! As you can probably see, this page is kind of a mess right now as I attempt to mash these blogs together (decided to throw my cartoons in there too for good measure). The scope & horror will now also encompass self-help!
Thanks for your patience whilst I reorganize
tell em large marge sent ya
This week I will be writing to you from the chlorinated waters of Naples, Florida, so stay tuned!
My father would advise me not to publicize this lest I open the door for would-be robbers. Let me just put it out there, I own literally nothing of value, and all my house has in it is cats. So plan accordingly.
There are so many more to go, but let’s wrap up this portion already.
I am just going to be out with it. I can’t stand Sublime. Have you ever seen the movie Clue? I hope so, and if not go watch it and come back. It’s worth it. Tim Curry is a national treasure (not ours, but whatever). So you know the scene when Madeline Kahn is describing how much she hates Yvette? That’s how I feel about Sublime.
11. Losing My Religion – R.E.M.
JFC. We covered this with yesterday’s U2 entry, but why are these massively popular 80s bands on here??? I like R.E.M., they’re great – wait, did they sing Shiny Happy People? Because that song is surely played in hell. That song is terrible. But off the top of my head Orange Crush, It’s the End of the World, Pop Song 89, What’s the Frequency Kenneth, Drive, Stand. I like all of those songs. A lot even.
But they were not alternative music. Maybe they are included because they came out of Athens, GA
and clearly they are important in the history of the genre, but they had six albums in the 1980s and were with a major record label.
They were not an alternative to anything in the 1990s.
If you were wondering, I do not like this song, but I suppose you could have guessed that.
Replace: 50 Pieces – Andrew Bird (Thrills,1998, Ryko)
12. The Way – Fastball
I have never heard of this song or this band, but it is the late 90s hit apparently, and I was super busy in college, so you can understand. I did listen to it though as part of this review.
Final Verdict: Come on, is this a joke?
Replace: Destination Venus – Man or Astroman? (Your Weight on the Moon,1994, One Louder)
13. Sex & Candy – Marcy Playground
I genuinely like this song. So did my freshman college roommate, and I owe her this one (if you want to read the comments on the Colby College Radio post, you can see why). You’ll hear more about her later when we get to 311.
14. Santeria – Sublime
Final Verdict: No.
Replace: Room 429 – Cop Shoot Cop (Ask Questions Later, 1993, Big Cat & Interscope Records)
15. Wonderwall – Oasis
Final Verdict: I think we know each other well enough by now that you know the answer to this.
Replace: Girls & Boys – Blur (Parklife, 1994, Food)
I didn’t like Blur in the 90s but my radio cohost Kristina did. I texted her in 2021 apologizing and admitting I was wrong. I will stand by my dislike of The Smiths. I know that is blasphemy in some circles, but it’s okay. Anything that makes Morrissey cry will just make him stronger.
I shall return soon.
Go in peace.
Highlights: Neutral Milk Hotel, Yo La Tengo, Elliott Smith, and Tool. Bonus: More Remembering Headbangers Ball
Okay, this next segment is quite a doozy, and I don’t have a lot of good things to say about it. It features one of my most-loathed bands of all time, and a host of other sub-par picks, so let’s dive in.
6. One – U2 (Achtung Baby, 1991, Island)
U2 has absolutely no business being on this list. By 1990, they had like 4 hit records, played at Live Aid, a movie and a double album based on the movie. Their inclusion on any list regarding “alternative” anything is astonishingly oxymoronic.
Also, I do not like them, but it doesn’t matter because again they do not belong here.
Final Verdict: No. Every song I have ever heard by U2 sounds like a song you are kind of supposed to like, maybe even want to like, but just winds up annoying you.
Replace With: Initially, I was going to try to limit to only songs from the 1990s that I knew in the 1990s, and not later but I broke that rule with the very first song. So, let’s bump Bono the f off of here with one of my favorite bands Neutral Milk Hotel – Everything Is from The Hype City Soundtrack (1993, The Egg as a Whole Music). I have never found an actual copy of this soundtrack, but it is really good and on YouTube.
7. Basket Case – Green Day (Dookie, 1994, Reprise)
This one is a tough call because I really loved this album at the time, but I don’t like them anymore. Before this album came out, I had probably heard a few of their songs and knew that they had toured with Bad Religion. They had skateboard park approval as far as I know (I do not skateboard, but as I told you in yesterday’s post, I had reason to be interested in their opinions and spent a stupid amount of time at skateparks, but I suppose anything was better than being home). Anyway, before this album, they seemed like a palatable enough band.
In the summer of 1994, I listened to this album a lot with my friend Amanda. A lot, a lot. I can barely recall listening to anything else, except maybe also a NOFX dubbed cassette tape that someone must have made for me. Possibly my friend Maryann.
They were on MTV and obviously very popular, and then they were huge and no self-respecting alterna-teen would be caught dead listening to them by October. And so it remained. I think Billy Joe Armstrong’s voice is pretty annoying now, but I do remember digging it.
P.S. I rediscovered the song She. Oh my god, this song spoke to me in 10th grade. I loved this song, I must give it its proper due. I still like it, but mostly for the nostalgia, it brings.
Final Verdict: Fine, but again, please remember that in real-time, they got way too big to be cool. This was very important to us for some reason.
Better: Yo La Tengo – Sugarcube (I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One, 1997, Matador Records)
8. Under the Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers (Blood Sugar Sex Magik, 1991, Warner Bros.)
Another tough one. I really loved the album Blood Sugar Sex Magik, though the misspelling has always bothered me. I have never liked this song. Other than this song, I would listen to them now if I heard them on the radio, but never really otherwise. Anthony Kiedis was excellent in Point Break.
Oh, negative points for the nauseating Rolling Stone cover where they are all wearing just socks on their junk. I would confirm it was Rolling Stone, but then I would also have to see the picture again, so apologies if the reference is incorrect.
Final Verdict: No. I don’t like this song. I didn’t like it then, and I don’t like it now. I think songs from then that I did not like make me so angry because I heard them so many times. The thing my children will never understand is that we just watched MTV, whether we liked the music video that was playing or not. We just waited them out. Kind of like how we just read shit that was there, which is also how I happened to read the autobiography of Lance Armstrong. The whole thing. I can’t explain.
Better: Elliott Smith – The Biggest Lie I hesitate to put this in here so early, because I think it is one of the most heartbreaking songs ever written, and I could not tell you how many likely thousands of times I have listened to it. It probably deserved a better setup, but I search randomly through a group of albums I have written down for this, so here you are and you’re welcome.
9. Been Caught Stealing – Jane’s Addiction (Ritual de lo Habitual, 1990, Warner Bros.)
Jane’s Addiction is kick-ass. You may have noticed yesterday that I mentioned watching Headbangers Ball? My relationship with music had some weird phases. I definitely remember listening to 45s in between Disney Storytime Records and being young enough to not understand why my parents laughed at us when we sang along with The Horny Toad, the B-side of Prince’s single Delirious.
I was absolutely too young to see Flashdance, but somehow I did and loved it (doesn’t every 6-year-old kind of want to become a pseudo-stripper dancer?)
dedicated to votaries
miserable, and suspicious
of the absurd, beautiful,
obscure history, superstition, and satire
On Watching Headbangers Ball
as a Fifth Grader, and Other Topics
This list needs help. A lot of help.
This list. Christ, this list. It’s bad. It’s really, really bad. I mean, the eyeballs of my sixteen-year-old self would not be recoverable, they would have rolled back so hard. It’s not alllll bad but collectively, it sucks. It’s also really long, so I guess I am going to have to screenshot it. I am too lazy to type out all of these shitty songs and give them even that much more legitimacy. We can deal with them in chunks, shall we?
1. Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana (Nevermind, 1991, DCG Records)
Okay, so I know I am probably literally quoting Jack Black’s character from High Fidelity here (a character I very much identified with btw), but come on. It’s a little obvious no? It’s a good song sure, but there are better ones. I like Nirvana. I liked them then, and I still like them (not so much on Foo Fighters though, my apologies. Dave Grohl seems like a truly wonderful human). I bought Nevermind on cassette tape in the 7th grade sometime after this video came out. I watched Headbangers Ball, and I remember them being on it, and that Kurt Cobain wore a ballgown in a joke that seemed kind of lost on the host, and probably most of the at-home audience. That seemed as good a reason as any to spend what little money I had on their album. Music was the only thing I ever spent money on. I guess I used to babysit because I can’t think of any other way I had any at all. There is no way my parents would have given me money to buy records. I don’t know.
Anyway, I liked Nirvana, and for a couple of years, I loved them because the boy I loved from 8th grade, all of my high school years, and probably a few years after that even, loved them. Incidentally, one of the only letters I have ever received that would approximate a love letter even quotes a Nirvana song. I still have it. I was always writing him these long, intense letters asking why he would not give me the attention I so craved the answer, as painfully obvious then as it is now, was that I was fourth on a list of priorities that ranked as follows: drugs, skateboarding, other girls). When In Utero came out in 1993, I spent a lot of time listening to it on CD in his garage bedroom in Belgrade, Maine. Listening to this CD, smoking cigarettes, losing my virginity, and getting high. Oh, wasted youth. Anyway, in the letter he wrote out the lyrics Swap Meet, which after all is said and done, I still think was absolutely perfectly ninth grade, and rather sweet.
Final Verdict: Yes, good song but there are better, less played ones.
Better: You Know You’re Right*
*I know this is cheating a bit, but obviously it was recorded in the 1990s, 1994 specifically.
2. Loser – Beck (Mellow Gold, 1994, DCG Records)
Okay, also a good song. I always preferred the shit kickin’, speed takin’ Truck Drivin’ Neighbors Downstairs, and if I had complete power of this iTunes list, I would pick someone else all together. With this in mind:
3. Spiderwebs – No Doubt (Tragic Kingdom, 1995, Trauma Records and Interscope Records)
4. Creep – Radiohead (Pablo Honey, 1993, Capitol Records)
Ugh, I am already bored by this project. There are so, so, so many Radiohead albums and this song is okay, but there are better ones. To be fair, now that I am looking, most of them came out after 2000.
5. Say It Ain’t So – Weezer (Blue, 1994, DCG Records)
Nicolas Copernicus was born on February 19, 1473. He wrote the book De revolutionibus orbium coelestium (On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres). You guys remember learning about heliocentrism, yes?
I have nothing more to say about this but sometimes, when I like to feel very small and infinitesimally insignificant, I watch this video called Powers of Ten. It was made by IBM and released in September 1977. Coincidentally, it was released the day before NASA launched the Voyager I space probe, set on a wild course to interstellar space to send back any data on what lies beyond our sun’s heliosphere. (I know I said the intent was to feel personally insignificant but incidentally I was also released to the wild within this same fortnight, at a hospital, in Kent County Michigan).
We have all three aged both well and terribly, The trusty Voyager did finally enter interstellar space in our 40th year, right around the same time as the solar eclipse. That was a strange summer. Did you ever hear the recordings of the sound it captured? If not you should look that up too. That metallic screech will haunt your dreams.
My posts have faded into the background over the last few months. I can only say that these have been some of the most difficult and painful of my entire life. Maybe sometime I will write about it, these heartbreaks and terrors of parenting children. For now, I guess it is something to have endured such a monumentally chaotic and terrifying time period that I did not bring upon myself. Progress? But I am exhausted, and feel like I have aged a decade in a single season Like the poor Voyager, who might have been cutting edge several seasons ago, but is now forced to use the same old, outdated operating system, forced to weather the unknown storms, stay in one piece, and somehow give back useful information. Also, the inside of my head sounds like interstellar space.
P.S. Yes the title is absolutely a King Missile reference
October 10 has a strange list of holidays including the following feast days of Catholic Saints, Arbor Day in Poland, World National Mental Health Day, and World Porridge Day. The Old Farmer’s Almanac says that today is a good day to go camping or straighten hair. Today’s moon is waxing crescent, and the sun and mercury are in Libra. Oh shit, mercury is retrograde and I completely forgot to warn you. Instead of being articulate and understood, you will spend eight more days like the curse of Cassandra, doomed to a world where though given divine foresight, she could not warn others of what she saw coming, as they could neither understand nor believe her. But if it helps, mercury retrograde is only an optical illusion, it doesn’t matter I promise.
Sorry I have disappeared for a while. I have two 10-year-olds who recently started fourth grade, so I have also started fourth grade by default. It is just as tedious as I remember, except now there is also a new form of math that I don’t understand. I will try to keep up. Know that if I miss a day or two, it’s not because I stopped caring about your day, it’s because I am relearning the names of clouds, or solving problems with decimal points.
For tonight: Bela Lugosi’s Dead