Tag: satire
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The Motherload
Scope & Horror and Your Bitcoin BMI merging
Hello! As you can probably see, this page is kind of a mess right now as I attempt to mash these blogs together (decided to throw my cartoons in there too for good measure). The scope & horror will now also encompass self-help!
Thanks for your patience whilst I reorganize
For Now,
tell em large marge sent ya
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Wealth Management
Stop wasting money at the horse races, casinos, and the lottery. The financial step you have been missing!
A Friend in Need (1903) Cassius Marcellus Coolidge Love the rush of gambling but don’t want to leave the comfort of home? No, not online gambling. There’s a better way to get that hit of adrenaline!
A caution to all though, this is not a beginners’ level tip here. But when you have financial organization and foresight like I do, it’s really quite simple:
*Set all your bills up on autopay
*Never learn/forget the withdrawal dates
*and roll the dice!
Every day is a day at Cesar’s Palace with this hot tip! Will you make it ’til payday or will you wake up to a negative balance? Only time will tell! Stay lucky!
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Estate Planning Planning
I promise Choosing the Hill You Will Die On is almost done and will be posted soon. I have to say it is something of a magnum opus, and I have been cracking myself up with my own jokes all weekend.
Until Then and Most Respectfully,
Bit Bot
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Can I Listen to Journey?
Dear Bitcoin BMI,
I like your idea of working out in my garage. Can I listen to Journey while I work out though? I don’t like Nazareth. What about any of Steve Perry’s later canon? Thanks,
Peter H
Dear Peter H, Can you listen to Journey? Sighs. I don’t know man. But the question really should you? There are few things I loathe more than Steve Perry - in fact, the only other person who comes to mind with such a nauseating visceral lurch is Matthew McConaughey.I suspect you know this already Peter, which is why you are asking. But I will take the bait. No. No. You are not allowed to listen to any Steve Perry. Those aren’t the people we are all trying so hard to be. It’s never too late for now, Bitcoin Bot
P.S. while I was searching for exercise stills from the 80s to potentially use here I read an article of celebrity aerobic videos from the 80s and 90s. Did you know that both Angela Lansbury AND Estelle Getty each made a VHS feature? You should see if you can find one of those. That will solve all your troubles. P.S.S. And no Rush either. P.S.S.S.
What a gem. -
Feeding Your Parasites
Rule 1: Hydrate Slimming Hydration Recipe Prep time: minimal, though it will need a few days to steep so plan accordingly Cost: $$ key components can already be found in your bathroom cabinet, but pick up some Grade A dark maple syrup and a bag of organic lemons the next time you are at the store. Results? oh, yes! Fill a tall glass full of sparkling, refreshing water and dip your toothbrush in it. Place it on your nightstand and let sit for 2-3 days. After a few days, add in 4 tablespoons of maple syrup. If there's one thing I've read about the ecosystem living inside you is that these mf'ers love sugar! By day five, your drink should be brimming with disgusting, healthy bacteria. Place in some freshly squeezed lemon juice. Gulp it down quickly to feed your little stomach monsters, those guys are hungry!
You’ll thank me later.
Bottoms up!
PS this is not real, do not actually try this okay?
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You and Your Guts
I assume you have all been wisely hibernating these winter months away. Smart choice! So have I. Those extra pounds you put on from stuffing yourself full of Halloween candy served you well! But now it’s time to get back on track and start thinking about your beach body!
But wait! Before you dust off that old Nautilus in the garage and crank up the Nazareth, I want to make sure you know about you and your gut health!
If you even sort of pay attention to all those YouTube commercials, you know there are many, many experts out there on how you and your parasites may or may not be affecting your health. But allow me to throw my hat in the ring, yes?
If this all bums you out, don’t worry. We will all be dead soon. Stay Tuned for tomorrow’s post:
Cooking and Caring for Your Parasites
References
Because science.
-Bridgette, Instatritionist**Please note Bridgette holds no relevant authority or substantive scientific education beyond the publishing wisdom of Conde Naste, but damn, she looks hot holding a smoothie, right?? Please continue to send her your money.
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Make a Vision Board
I’m so sorry I’ve been neglecting you! For those of you in the know, fiscal years turn over July 1st and it just gets crazy busy for us financial wizards!
Anyway, a project for you during your long holiday weekend: make a vision board and hang it in a prominent place in your home where you will see it frequently to keep you motivated when I can’t be there, reminding you to keep working towards your hopes and dreams.
For the non-creative types, I made one for you this morning. You are free to print, share, and copy as you wish.
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Crossfit and Cross-promotion #3
Do you get the sense like I do that this kid had it all figured out? Sorry, sorry I will get back to these soon, but I excel only at working on many things and nothing all at once. I assume everyone is sleepy and full of fried turkey anyway.
June 28th: She’s Been Married Seven Times Before
Second Verse, same as the first:
Henry VIII was born today in 1457. Flemish painter Sir Peter Paul Rubens was born on June 28, 1577. Violinist Stefi Geyer was born in Budapest on June 28, 1888. Heir presumptive Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated today in 1914, igniting factor of World War I. Coincidentally, the Treaty of Versailles was signed exactly five years later, officially calling an end to the war.
I can’t believe this was on primetime television, and that people screamed for it.
