Tag: wisdom
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Feeding Your Parasites
Rule 1: Hydrate Slimming Hydration Recipe Prep time: minimal, though it will need a few days to steep so plan accordingly Cost: $$ key components can already be found in your bathroom cabinet, but pick up some Grade A dark maple syrup and a bag of organic lemons the next time you are at the store. Results? oh, yes! Fill a tall glass full of sparkling, refreshing water and dip your toothbrush in it. Place it on your nightstand and let sit for 2-3 days. After a few days, add in 4 tablespoons of maple syrup. If there's one thing I've read about the ecosystem living inside you is that these mf'ers love sugar! By day five, your drink should be brimming with disgusting, healthy bacteria. Place in some freshly squeezed lemon juice. Gulp it down quickly to feed your little stomach monsters, those guys are hungry!
You’ll thank me later.
Bottoms up!
PS this is not real, do not actually try this okay?
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You and Your Guts
I assume you have all been wisely hibernating these winter months away. Smart choice! So have I. Those extra pounds you put on from stuffing yourself full of Halloween candy served you well! But now it’s time to get back on track and start thinking about your beach body!
But wait! Before you dust off that old Nautilus in the garage and crank up the Nazareth, I want to make sure you know about you and your gut health!
If you even sort of pay attention to all those YouTube commercials, you know there are many, many experts out there on how you and your parasites may or may not be affecting your health. But allow me to throw my hat in the ring, yes?
If this all bums you out, don’t worry. We will all be dead soon. Stay Tuned for tomorrow’s post:
Cooking and Caring for Your Parasites
References
Because science.
-Bridgette, Instatritionist**Please note Bridgette holds no relevant authority or substantive scientific education beyond the publishing wisdom of Conde Naste, but damn, she looks hot holding a smoothie, right?? Please continue to send her your money.
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Crossfit and Cross-promotion #3
Do you get the sense like I do that this kid had it all figured out? Sorry, sorry I will get back to these soon, but I excel only at working on many things and nothing all at once. I assume everyone is sleepy and full of fried turkey anyway.
June 28th: She’s Been Married Seven Times Before
Second Verse, same as the first:
Henry VIII was born today in 1457. Flemish painter Sir Peter Paul Rubens was born on June 28, 1577. Violinist Stefi Geyer was born in Budapest on June 28, 1888. Heir presumptive Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated today in 1914, igniting factor of World War I. Coincidentally, the Treaty of Versailles was signed exactly five years later, officially calling an end to the war.
I can’t believe this was on primetime television, and that people screamed for it. -
Think Outside the Take-Out Box
As you get ready to settle into your weekend, I want you to take some time for menu planning for next week. I know take-out is quick and convenient but with oversized portions and unknown ingredients, it’s not so great for your wallet or your waistline!
Try to bring lunch from home 4 out of 5 days next week. With some grocery store initiative and a little bit of Sunday prep, you can do this!
Avoid the pre-packaged items, and focus on simple, nutrient-rich whole foods. It doesn’t have to be hum-drum! With drive-up, drop-off, and on-the-fly grocery services, the ideas for dressing up your meals are endless!
For example, you can get a whole fried turkey mailed directly to you for a little more than $100!
If you are more of a DIY’er, you could also just buy a whole turkey at the grocery store, and purchase one of these bad boys this weekend, and boom! You’ve got meals for the entire week!
I hope your family likes poultry! Okay, now we’ve got food covered for the week, I also want to remind you to stop reaching for those sugar-sweetened (or even worse the artificially-sweetened!) beverages. Those should have no place in anyone’s diet.
But, I get it, water gets boring. Fortunately for you, there is a multitude of options to have kegs of beer delivered right to your door!
If you start consuming your fermented drinks by the barrel, there are deep savings to be made! According to one source that I completely did not verify or make any sort of effort to confirm, the average beer drinker can save 40–60% by buying kegs instead of cans or bottles! You can recoup the cost of a kegerator in as little as ten barrels! What is that, like less than 6 months??? Act now, and don’t forget to invest those savings into your #crypto account!
Then pour yourself another draft, sit back, and stay loose!
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Franchising
Become a Certified Human and Humanoids Appraiser
Are you looking for a fun new career, with great pay*, great friends, flexible hours, and minimal out-of-pocket upfront cost? Consider becoming a certified human and humanoids appraiser!
Our family is growing and we are always looking for new talent. Fill out the quick and easy form below, and we will be in touch soon to see if this field is right for you!
*base salary will be paid in units of virtual perfidy emoticons, which our legal team has asked us to clarify is not the same thing as digital currency or promissory notes, and may not be recognized by your regular financial institution and cannot be used as legal tender for debts public or private.
Do you qualify?
“Shhh. No, we don’t pay for downloading images either, but I think someone might be listening, so let’s talk about it later.” -
ISO
Am I searching for armpit fat? Yes, yes I am. Isn’t everyone?
I can only assume Google is suggesting I am going to love the idea of a workout to put some more padding to my underarms.
#thanksgoogle
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Multi-Level Marketing and You
Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash Over the next few weeks, we will cover “staging,” and your personal brand, as well as how to increase your social media presence, but for now, let’s open another bottle of wine and focus on the low hanging fruit.
Seriously, you are going to need to pretend to have interests. Dieting and watching The Real Housewives don’t count.
You could start with the usuals
#Yoga
#Biking
#Hiking
#Learning the pros and cons of kitchen tiling (but more than just watching HGTV)
#Find and discuss your Myers Briggs personality type. People are very interested!
Or you could use this personal development time to dip your toes into the easy money income streams known as Multi-Level Marketing!
Seriously, people love hearing about your new side hustle, they love being invited to these sorts of events, and they love being recruited to get down in the sales trenches with you!
They love being tricked into going to sales pitches at your house when they think they are showing up for movie night, and they reallllllllly love meeting in conference rooms early Saturday mornings to support your new business venture at midrange hotels near the airport.
Also, as a guest at a Tupperware party in 2004, I nearly got the lights punched out of me. But that’s a story for another time. Let’s just say it’s not always as formulaic as those profit charts might have you think!
Just make sure you don’t squander this opportunity for finding a niche to give you some je nais se que! The sky is the limit! Learn how to carve soap, eat competitively, or file lawsuits recreationally.
I recommend starting some inspiration boards. I like Pinterest because it is an easy, fun way to keep track of your lies and meet new friends who share your feigned interests!
Wikihow, Youtube, amateur message board experts, and I will all be with you every step of the way! Seriously, we are rooting for you!
