Tag: your Bitcoin BMI
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Wealth Management
Stop wasting money at the horse races, casinos, and the lottery. The financial step you have been missing!
A Friend in Need (1903) Cassius Marcellus Coolidge Love the rush of gambling but don’t want to leave the comfort of home? No, not online gambling. There’s a better way to get that hit of adrenaline!
A caution to all though, this is not a beginners’ level tip here. But when you have financial organization and foresight like I do, it’s really quite simple:
*Set all your bills up on autopay
*Never learn/forget the withdrawal dates
*and roll the dice!
Every day is a day at Cesar’s Palace with this hot tip! Will you make it ’til payday or will you wake up to a negative balance? Only time will tell! Stay lucky!
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Can I Listen to Journey?
Dear Bitcoin BMI,
I like your idea of working out in my garage. Can I listen to Journey while I work out though? I don’t like Nazareth. What about any of Steve Perry’s later canon? Thanks,
Peter H
Dear Peter H, Can you listen to Journey? Sighs. I don’t know man. But the question really should you? There are few things I loathe more than Steve Perry - in fact, the only other person who comes to mind with such a nauseating visceral lurch is Matthew McConaughey.I suspect you know this already Peter, which is why you are asking. But I will take the bait. No. No. You are not allowed to listen to any Steve Perry. Those aren’t the people we are all trying so hard to be. It’s never too late for now, Bitcoin Bot
P.S. while I was searching for exercise stills from the 80s to potentially use here I read an article of celebrity aerobic videos from the 80s and 90s. Did you know that both Angela Lansbury AND Estelle Getty each made a VHS feature? You should see if you can find one of those. That will solve all your troubles. P.S.S. And no Rush either. P.S.S.S.
What a gem. -
Feeding Your Parasites
Rule 1: Hydrate Slimming Hydration Recipe Prep time: minimal, though it will need a few days to steep so plan accordingly Cost: $$ key components can already be found in your bathroom cabinet, but pick up some Grade A dark maple syrup and a bag of organic lemons the next time you are at the store. Results? oh, yes! Fill a tall glass full of sparkling, refreshing water and dip your toothbrush in it. Place it on your nightstand and let sit for 2-3 days. After a few days, add in 4 tablespoons of maple syrup. If there's one thing I've read about the ecosystem living inside you is that these mf'ers love sugar! By day five, your drink should be brimming with disgusting, healthy bacteria. Place in some freshly squeezed lemon juice. Gulp it down quickly to feed your little stomach monsters, those guys are hungry!
You’ll thank me later.
Bottoms up!
PS this is not real, do not actually try this okay?
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You and Your Guts
I assume you have all been wisely hibernating these winter months away. Smart choice! So have I. Those extra pounds you put on from stuffing yourself full of Halloween candy served you well! But now it’s time to get back on track and start thinking about your beach body!
But wait! Before you dust off that old Nautilus in the garage and crank up the Nazareth, I want to make sure you know about you and your gut health!
If you even sort of pay attention to all those YouTube commercials, you know there are many, many experts out there on how you and your parasites may or may not be affecting your health. But allow me to throw my hat in the ring, yes?
If this all bums you out, don’t worry. We will all be dead soon. Stay Tuned for tomorrow’s post:
Cooking and Caring for Your Parasites
References
Because science.
-Bridgette, Instatritionist**Please note Bridgette holds no relevant authority or substantive scientific education beyond the publishing wisdom of Conde Naste, but damn, she looks hot holding a smoothie, right?? Please continue to send her your money.
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Bitcoin BMI Appraisal Form
For Office Use Only:
Score __________ Overall 3 points Flawless 2 Points Minor scratches 1 Point Moderate chips, dents, or surface rust 0 Points Damaged, major dents, paint flaws, missing parts, or major rust Score __________ Medical 3 points Current, complete, appears much younger than stated age 2 Points Current, incomplete, appears consistent with stated age 1 Point Overdue, no records, unvaccinated, appears much older than stated age, or annual medical deductible not met 0 Points True mileage unknown or defective odometer Score __________ Interview and summary of personal/professional documents and titles 3 points Consistent, all or mostly truthful 2 Points Somewhat truthful, vague or evasive when pressed for details 1 Point Clearly lying and/or inebriated 0 Points Uncooperative, incoherent, or comatose Score __________ Body Work 3 points None 2 Points Minor cosmetic paint 1 Point Some dent removal or touch ups 0 Points Significant amount of paint and/or body work Score __________ Integumentary 3 points Clean/like new 2 Points Minimal wear 1 Point Stained/faded/worn 0 Points Torn/burned/cracked/missing Score __________ Odor 3 points None 2 Points Faint 1 Point Obvious 0 Points Suspect decomposition present Score __________ Interior 3 points Fully functional 2 Points Functional with minor fault(s) 1 Point Repairs needed 0 Points Salvage/parts only Subtotal __________ ________ Subtotal from Section 1 _______ Marital Status (2 Clean title, 1 Rental, commercial, 0 Salvage, rebuilt
salvage, flood, etc.)_______ +1 Rechargeable batteries _______ +1 Toilet trained ________ Credit Score _________ Checking account balance _______ -1 Dietary restrictions _______ Subtract number of ICD 10 diagnosis codes _______________ TOTAL * 1 US dollar Subtotal 2 ______________ Subtotal 2 * US Dollar Index _______________ cryptocurrency exchange = BITCOIN BMI Subject Cleared:
Subject Rejected:
Incomplete/More information Required:
…Please check evaluation subject against safety recall lists
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Working Out in Jean Shorts
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Scope &
Horror
Shape Your Body like it is 1992 and Radu is your personal trainer. You are wearing jean shorts. He is wearing wind pants. No tradesies.
No excuses. Everyone has ten minutes.
NEXT: Am I an Apple or Mayor McCheese? Scope & Horror
dedicated to votaries of the absurd, beautiful, miserable, and suspicious
2022
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Shaping Your Future With Shapewear
Scope & Horror
dedicated to votaries of the absurd, beautiful, miserable, and suspicious
2022
[…] Where Were My Parents? […]
[…] Read Part 2: FU2 […]
[…] Read Part 1: I Was There: ’90s Music […]
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[…] Read Part 1: I Was There: ’90s Music […]
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